I hate it.

Why? Why do I consistantly attempt to kill myself by going out and partying? Then I am depressed and tired the next day. I feel like taking a shower and crying and crying. I am so tired. Of me, of life, of Jamie and his games. I am over it all. Over. It.

Today I am pissed.

Well, Victor and I broke up. And today is Sun, and wow, what a weekend. We broke on Thurs, I was going to live with a friend, that did not work out, so I went back to Victors. Then I called my other friend, and this Mon evening I will be moving out for good.

I am pissed because I came home and found his friend Robert here, playing the video game "Monster Hunter" with him.
Now, what is there to be pissed off at, you ask?
Well, the only way for two people to play Monster Hunter together is to have two PS2's and two copies of the game, as it is an internet thing.

Well, Victor has two PS2's, but his old one was broken, over heating and what-not. So, friends, one might ask, "Why did he find a way to fix it for Robert, but he would never do that for his girlfriend, who many times asked to play with him?"

That is the question of the day. GRRRRRRR.

I am so on the inevitable emotional roller coaster. Good lord, please help me through this. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to hurt, and be sad, I just want to feel ok. I will settle for that.
Well, I am spent. I am going to browse the internet now,

Later all!

And here I sit waiting...

Victor is due home any minute. I am scared, but feeling ok. Whew, this is hard. I want it to be a bad dream. But I need to face that it is not just going to go away. I will look at this as a place to find myself. I need to take that jump out of the nest, and I need to fly!
Ok...that sounded stupid, like a bad cliche, but whatever. It is how I feel.
I want to continue to learn and grow, and I want to find my own happiness. I am 25, and while I know some things that make me happy, I do not know how to make myself happy. I am going to try to learn. He is home.

Here I go again....

on my own....
Well, friends, I am off to do my own thing. I am hurting some right now, but I am trying to look at this as a beginning instead of an end. Wow. It is really easy to say that, and very hard to put it into action. I have never NOT wanted to do something as badly as I do NOT want to move out of this apartment that I have been sharing with Victor, my soon to be ex-boyfriend.
BUT, I am going to pour my pain and energy into school. I will be a robot. School, school, school, school. That is what I need to focus on. I will be eating, breathing, and sleeping that thought. I will meditate on it, until at last, I have a BA in Japanese Studies from UHH (University of Hawai'i at Hilo.) Whoooo! Then it is off to Japan. Those are the ONLY things that matter right now.
But it does not take away the pain of breaking up ; ;
Wow, I have said "but" a lot. :D

A, I, U, E, O, and Ka

Well, I now know how to write those letters and that sound in Japanese. YAY!
A bit of a head start on my class that I start on the 19th of January.
Well, DDO just came out...thats Dungeons and Dragons Online for all you non-geeks out there.
So, without further ado, I am off to grab a beer and play! It is free till Sat!

Why?

Why is it that boyfriends who do not have time to call you or spend time with you, have time to log in to their myspce account and chat with their friends?

Wait. I know why. Because they are assholes!

Books Rock!

For those who ban books....You SUCK. Unless it has graphic sex scenes, or bomb recipes, the book should NOT be banned from schools. PERIOD. A Wrinkle In Time??? Huckleberry Finn??? Catcher in the Rye??? What the hell are those book banners thinking??
Ok, enough of that. I gotta go eat something. Peace out!